Live Fast Die Young
by Mouserocks-nerd
Summary: AU: Starts season 1. Richard Castle is in a bad way. He has fallen back into the same bad habits of his early college days- getting drunk and high and living the fast life. But it's all fun and games until somebody suspects you of murder... How can he prove his innocence to the pretty, new detective who's on his case? R&R!
1. Out of Control

**A/N:** So, I've had this idea for a while now but haven't really had much of a chance to develop it till recently. Bear in mind that I have a lot of stories in the works (mostly not Castle related), and I have school starting back up in a week, and my life gets extremely busy... But I promise to update this one!

This story is an alternate universe Castle, starting pre-season 1. Yes, it may seem a bit out of character, especially the first few chaptes, but I thought it would be an interesting idea and I ran with it. At this time, I currently have no beta (hint, hint... any takers?) but I do plan on making this a much longer story. Also, any questions on the rating, please send my way. Right now I have it at T, but depending on how people feel, that might change. Heavily references drugs and depression, so if those are triggers for you, stay away. Enjoy, and please read and review!

**Disclaimer: **I do not own anything having to do with Castle. If I did, the angst level would be much worse. /evil grin/

* * *

Richard Castle fought to open his eyes, putting up a struggle for a few long moments before finally being able to reacquaint himself with the waking world. As the lights and sounds flooded his senses, though, he quickly squeezed them shut again. Where was he? His brief glimpse hadn't given him any clues. How did he get here? He had no idea.

Okay, so that maybe was a little bit of a lie. He knew- could tell from the oncoming headache and the dryness of his mouth- just what it was that brought him here, wherever here was. He groaned and covered his face with his hands. _It's not your fault_, he tried to tell himself. _You didn't start this. You were unwittingly slipped the drugs._

He nodded to himself, his logic making sense for the moment. It wasn't his fault... Now to determine where he was. He turned onto his side and was surprised by the feel of a very warm, very naked body beside him. He groaned as he finally forced himself to open his eyes and confront the world around him.

_Ow... headache..._

Richard forced himself to sit upright and take in his surroundings. It was an unfamiliar apartment, most likely this woman's place. He started growing restless, and forced himself to roll out of bed and quickly throw on his clothes. He took several deep breaths to calm himself, to try and eliminate his shakiness. It helped, but Castle knew of only one thing that could fix the situation entirely.

A wave a guilt and panic crashed over him. He wasn't so bad, was he? He hadn't sunk to that point yet- had he? Richard hastened to remind himself that it wasn't his fault, that the drugs were given to him, that he was the innocent party here. But he wasn't innocent. It was his fault.

He was only slipped the drugs the first time.

Rick hated himself for his actions, for his behavior. He was ashamed, he was loathesome, he deserved death- and God, what he wouldn't do for another hit right now. Just to calm him down a little bit, to get the whirling thoughts out of his head long enough to get him home to see his daughter. He'd be fine as soon as he got home. He was good when he was at home. His home was his haven.

It's not like Richard Castle was a drug addict.

He was fumbling with the button on his pants when the blonde woman in bed beside him stirred and turned to face him with a glazed look in her eyes. "Leaving?" she mumbled sleepily.

Rick blushed slightly for a moment. "Sorry...um, miss... I'm... well, sorry. But, uh, I've got to go to a meeting in like thirty minutes and, uh..."

"Don't you remember my name?"

Castle froze a moment, his eyes widening. "Uh, sure I do. It's... Vanessa? Right? No? You look like a Vanessa."

"It's Cyndi."

"Oh. Well... Anyway, I really gotta go. I'll, um, call you, Cyndi."

"Eh, don't bother. My boyfriend's back in town tomorrow night."

Rick hoped his face didn't betray too much of his surprise before shaking himself out of it and flashing her a smile. "Well then, thanks for a great night." He took off out the front door of her apartment, made his way down the street, and hailed a cab to take him home and sleep it off.

* * *

When Rick awoke next, it was to his daughter's disapproving glare. She hovered over his place on the couch, hands on her hips and tapping her foot. He groaned groggily and rubbed at his eyes. "Um, hey there, pumpkin."

"Do you have any idea what time it is?"

Castle frowned in confusion. He glanced out the windows to see it was still daylight out, probably early afternoon. His brow furrowed deeper. "Um... no? Why?"

"It's two thirty."

He adjusted himself so that he was sitting in an upright position. "Is there a point somewhere in here, Alexis? Because to be honest, it's not registering quite well right now-"

"That's exactly my point, Dad!" She spun around and started pacing. "It's the middle of the day, on a Wenesday, in broad daylight, and yet you're asleep on the couch? What's the matter with you?"

Castle's confusion didn't lift. "I'm a creature of the night?"

"Dad." Her tone proved that she was not in the mood for games.

His shoulders slumped. "Sorry."

"Look. I don't care if you don't do anything all day when I'm at school or out with friends, but when I'm so obviously freaked out and nervous about school starting next week and I'm still not quite done with all of my summer assignments..."

Castle's eyes widened and he bolted up off the couch. "Oh! That's right! Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize-"

"You know the least you could do is be there for me. At least take me shopping or something- I don't expect you to help with my homework or anything, but-"

"Hey! I take offense to that. I could help you."

She gave him a look. "Really. You want to help with my Algebra 2 packet?"

Castle struggled for a response for a moment racking his brain for any good memories of math and coming up empty handed. "You don't have anything that involves writing?"

Alexis rolled her eyes at him. "Not that you've done much writing lately either."

"Well, maybe I just haven't been inspired enough lately."

"Dad, you killed off Derrick Storm!"

Castle's eyes grew comically wide as he reached for his daughter and covered her mouth with his hand. "Shh!"

"Mmph... Dad!" Alexis spoke, voice muffled.

"No one else knows about that yet!"

She rolled her eyes at him and managed to move his hand and escape his grasp. "You're ridiculous!" But Alexis couldn't hide her laughter at his antics.

"Come on. You love it."

She grinned. "Well, regardless. My point is you haven't been doing anything lately, except getting yourself into trouble."

Castle's face fell and his eyes grew wide at the implications. "I have not!"

"Dad..."

His heart started beating faster. What did she know? How did she figure it out? He'd done his best to keep himself looking and acting normal... well, relatively. After all, normal for him wasn't quite the same as normal for most people-

"Sleeping until two thirty in the afternoon and staying out all night at bars or clubs isn't exactly what I would call keeping out of trouble. And you reek of alcohol."

Castle let out a brief sigh of relief before picking at his shirt and sniffing it. "I do not," his voice trailed off as the scent of tequila and various other smells drifted up. He wrinkled his nose. "Well, maybe I could do with a shower," he conceded.

"You think?" His daughter rolled her eyes at him.

"Okay, fine. I'll go clean myself up real quick and then we'll head out and go school shopping. Sound good?"

"Dad, I don't want you to just do this because I said something-"

"No, no. You're right. I need to get back involved in my life, and freshman year is a big deal, and I should be supportive and you deserve all of it. I'll be cleaned up in ten minutes. Fifteen, tops. All right?"

"Okay, but I'm timing you starting now, so you'd better hurry on up..."

Rick Castle had already bolted off to his bedroom and ran to the shower, chased by the sound of his fourteen year old daughter's laughter.

* * *

**A/N:** Reviews? Throw me a bone here... ;) More to come soon.


	2. Living Wild

**A/N:** Look! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... an update! :) Told ya I'd come back.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. If I did, I would have money and be able to do whatever I want... Instead I'm at home. On a semi-functioning laptop. Eating leftovers. *sigh*

* * *

Detective Katherine Beckett sighed in relief as she sunk slowly into the warm bath waters surrounding her. The scent of lavender gently wafted up to greet her nose, and she allowed herself a small smile at the slight play of the bubbles around her.

It had been a long day.

It was exciting, the life of a homicide detective, sure. But sometimes, it was more draining than anything else. She still felt like the new kid on campus, even though she was starting to hold her own as a detective, with her team. It was almost six months now, and they were nice to her, but she did feel like an oddball sometimes.

It didn't help that they knew about her past.

Kate sunk deeper into the waters of the tub so that bubbles foamed around her chin. She sighed heavily and blew the foam away from her face.

Kevin was nicest. He was the new guy right before her, so he sympathized to some extent. And Esposito was... nice too. He was still a little wary of her. Which, she supposed wasn't exactly unwarranted. After all, she supposed she would have a hard time trusting a cop who was so hell bent on revenge that she got herself suspended- nearly got herself killed- trying to bend the rules. She had been lucky that she was a cop at the time and had acted in self defense, otherwise she could be up for a murder rap as well. Or at least manslaughter, anyways.

Things were different now, though. She paid her dues, did her time, and for some reason was given a second chance. She had a feeling that Captain Montgomery had a huge hand in that, for whatever reason. He was fond of her, that much she knew, and often she felt him keeping an eye on her. That's how she'd made it onto the detective track so easily- that and the fact that she'd more than proved her detecting skills two years before when she'd caught up with her mother's killer.

She shuddered at the memories of that day. She didn't like thinking about it, didn't want to go down that spiral again. The things he'd said to her, about how much higher up this went than she'd thought previously... The memory of Coonan's fingers around her neck, yanking on her long hair, his gun pressed into her ribcage, and how she'd fought hard for the upper hand and ultimately wrested his pistol away and shot him with it.

She shook her head to rid herself of the memories. "No more," she spoke aloud to herself, reaching one arm up and out to grab her book. Normally she read one of her favorite murder mystery novels- preferrably a Richard Castle book- but tonight, she just couldn't handle anything else. Tonight, it was all sappy romance and bodice rippers for Kate Beckett. Tomorrow... Well, tomorrow was back to murder and mayhem.

She sighed and ran her hand through her short hair before turning to the more well-worn pages of the book and settling herself down.

* * *

Richard struggled to tie his bowtie with his shaky fingers. He'd taken Alexis' words two weeks before to heart, slowed down on the partying front. Alexis started high school, was adjusting quite marvelously.

Rick was having a bit of a harder time.

With a growl of frustration, he ripped the tie off from around his collar and decided to forego it altogether. Black tie or not, it was his party, he could do whatever the hell he wanted.

He wanted a hit.

Castle swallowed hard as the thought came and went, hitting him like a car and stunning him from the impact. He popped a few buttons on his shirt collar, giving him his usual ruggedly-handsome look. His eyes kept drifting back to the mirror's view of the walk-in closet. It was tempting- oh, so tempting...

No. He'd been doing better. Well, kind of. He'd kept the party scene to a low roar, going out only twice in as many weeks, and leaving at a decent hour, even by himself once. The drugs... well, the drugs came and went still. He'd cut back a bit, down to maybe once a day now. Just enough to get rid of the shakes and keep his cool. Having a daughter starting high school was tough, reminded him how old he was, how much of a mess he's made of his life... So he wasn't exactly on the safe and sober wagon. But progress was progress, right?

He sighed as he anxiously ran his trembling hands over his face. Who was he kidding. He was a wreck. As much as he'd tried to dial it back, Castle knew he had gotten worse. Before, he had only taken the coke at parties, or when out with... well, whoever he was with. Now, he had a stash of coke and miscellaneous other pills and powders hidden in the back drawer of his closet and he used it whenever he needed it and he was alone in the loft.

This was when it usually happened. He was fine, he was fine, he was fine, sometimes for several days even... and then suddenly something in him would just snap and he knew that he needed that high to get through the day.

He hated himself for it. He had nothing to blame, no one to blame but himself. His damn college self was the one who got him hooked- fresh off his first best seller, graduating up to some of the heavier, more substantial drugs instead of just sharing a blunt with his roommates between classes. When he'd found out that his girlfriend was pregnant, he immediately dialed it back, even went to get the help he needed to get clean and sober up. He hadn't had a thing to smoke or snort since.

That is, until recently.

No excuse. It was just another celebrity bash, he was invited, and things got a bit out of hand. Someone had brought out some drugs, thought it'd be funny to try some stuff. He had been drunk, and a little bit cocky. The cocktail of drugs he had woken up to afterwards left him with a gnawing want in his gut, despite how sick it made him.

Once an addict, always an addict, or so goes the saying. Rick had experienced withdrawals fairly early on, and thus began his downward spiral. He had to keep moving up a level, his tolerance level was already set so high from his previous experiences. Anything for that euphoric feeling, that new level of energy that accompanied every hit he took. He could get so much done, live so much more, have much more fun. Always bigger, better, bolder, _more_.

But the craving came back with a vengeance.

Rick groaned aloud, frustrated with his inability to make a decision. He hadn't ever done it with Alexis at home before, and he was concerned about crossing that new boundary. Just as he had been nervous when he first did it on his own instead of as a mere social thing, or when he first brought the drugs home. He could do it, and he would get over it, and be fairly steady within half an hour.

Or he could stay clean for one more night, slowly continuing to wean himself off it using all of the tricks he'd learned before about rehabilitation. He could go to the party sober, and then if things went downhill from there, he could always make a quick escape and get back to his stash afterwards.

With that thought, Richard Castle unhappily hooked his jacket over his shoulder and stormed out the room, still shaking and sober as he went to the book launch for Storm Fall.


	3. Killer Body

**A/N:** An update! Yay! So, I'm planning on updating this at least once a week, and usually on a Wednesday. I am currently back in classes now (college is tough), so this may vary slightly but I am hoping to do my best to stick to this schedue. I now have a beta, so shout out to wolfergirl for all her help!

**Disclaimer:** Does this look like something the Castle writers would put into their show? No. I don't think so.

* * *

Rick groaned as he slowly roused from his sleep. _Not again._ This was getting bad. Really bad. He had just woken up and already he had a headache and could feel the shakes coming on. He needed a hit. But it was too early. And he didn't have anything on him. This was bad.

Maybe there was something left over, something he could scrounge up to take the edge off. Just a little bit would do it.

He rolled over in the bed and was met with something cold and wet. Frowning, Castle felt around blindly until his fingers met with something fleshy. He could help the slight feeling of pride that came over him. So, it had been another crazy night, huh? He had absolutely no memory of what had happened after the point where he had left the book launch party last night. That should probably bother him more than it did- scare him, even- but right now, all he could think of was the drugs and the curious woman next to him. Briefly he allowed his mind to wonder if it was a blonde, brunette or redhead this time before opening his eyes to discover the answer.

It took him a moment to register the scene around him.

When it finally did register, he was in complete and utter shock. Then came the horror, closely followed by having to fight back his urge to vomit. He was unsuccessful, and lost the contents of his stomach over the edge of the bed. He tumbled out and plopped onto the floor, scrambling as far away from the bed as he could until he eventually backed up against the wall on the far side of the room. Rick took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. Breathed in and out, in and out. Finally he steadied his breath and was able to detach himself from his surroundings.

Funny. From his current angle, he couldn't see above the edge of the bed. It was almost as if she wasn't even there- only a slight bump in the crease of the comforter betraying her presence. Her cold, dead, bloody presence.

Rick found that he was much more sober now.

Once he felt like he could think clearly, he contemplated his predicament. He couldn't remember much of anything, but he racked his brain anyways. He remembered leaving the book launch with a couple of women, though not the same one as this one. He remembered going to a bar, at some point meeting this woman, then coming back to her apartment vaguely and trying to become... amorous. That was it. Nothing else. What the hell happened?

He had to call the cops. As soon as the thought struck him, he searched frantically for his phone. Yes, 911. They would know what to do. He found the device and fumbled to punch in the numbers. It rang.

Suddenly, a cold pit formed in his stomach as he thought logically about his situation. They would think it was him.

There was a click as the line picked up almost instantly. "911, what's your emergency?"

A cold sweat broke out on his brow. Oh, God. They would suspect him, question him, arrest him. They would find out about his drugs. He'd be caught.

"Hello? Is someone there?"

He knew it would cause him untold tumult. He knew it could possibly ruin his life and destroy his career. But his only other option was running, and that would only make things look worse.

"Please do not call this number unless there is a real emergency-"

"Wait! Uh, no. I just... I," he swore under his breath, not caring what she heard. "I don't know what to do. I don't even know what happened."

"Sir, is there a real emergency or not?"

"There's... there's a woman... I'm at her apartment. I don't remember how I got here or when... and she's..." Castle's voice trailed off.

"She's...?" the operator prodded.

"She's dead!" Castle blurted in a panic. "I think."

The operator's voice suddenly took on a different tone. "You think she's dead?"

"Ah, no. No, I don't think. She's actually dead. I'm one hundred percent sure she is. I just... I woke up and I was next to her and I don't remember anything that happened last night and all of a sudden I realize there's blood everywhere and I don't even know why and she's not just sleeping, she's actually dead!"

"Sir, I'm going to ask you to calm down. Okay? I'm going to need some more details. A squad car is already on their way, but I'm going to send some more detectives down to your location."

Rick took a few deep breaths, trying to dispel his shakiness. "I-I don't know where I am. I guess I could sift through some of her mail or something, maybe find something that says an address-"

"No, I wouldn't recommend that you tamper with anything else. We can trace your location through your cell phone. If this is going to be an investigation, then don't touch anything if you can help it."

The enormity of it all came crashing down around Castle. His heart was pounding, his hands were shaking, his eyes went wide. He swallowed drily. "Okay. Okay. I can do that. I can do it. Oh, god, I don't even remember..."

"Sir? Stay with me, sir. Can I get your name?"

Castle nodded silently though the phone. "It's Richard-" his eyes widened in horror and he quickly clammed up. How could he give her his name? Gina would kill him if word got out. She was already pissed enough at him for all the parties and rumors floating around. But could he lie to the cops? Stealing a horse was one thing. Murder was something else entirely.

Murder. The word hit him like a ton of bricks. This was really happening. He was sitting in a room with a woman who'd been murdered. Suddenly he realized what it must feel like to be a character in one of his books.

"Richard...?" she prodded for more.

His eyes darted back and forth as the words slipped out. "Rodgers. Richard Rodgers."

"All right then, Mr Rodgers. I'm going to have to ask you to stay where you are until the police arrive, alright?"

He ran his shaky fingers though his hair and nodded again. "Okay. Okay, I'll stay here."

"They're on their way now. Will you be okay, sir?"

"Okay. I'll be fine. Okay."

"Richard? Mr Rodgers? I need you to stay calm, all right? I need you to be in control."

"I think I'm gonna throw up again."

"Would you like me to stay on the line with you?"

"I don't even know what happened," Rick repeated to himself, going into complete shock.

"Rick... Can I call you Rick? I need you to stay calm still. I know this is a big deal but it will do you a lot of good if you don't freak out right now. Why don't you tell me a little about yourself. Do you have any family? Kids, wife..."

"A daughter," he confessed, a cold, distant tone in his voice, as it all finally started to sink in.

"What's your daughter's name, Rick?"

"Um, Alexis."

"That's a pretty name. How old is she?"

"She's... she's fourteen... She just started high school last week..." Oh, god, how could he put her through this? She would be an outcast at her new school, and worse, she would never look at him the same again, even if he insisted he didn't do it. He tried to keep his brain from going to that dark, panicked place and focused on the easy, mind-numbing questions about his life.

"That's a fun age. Did her mom take her on a shopping spree before she started?"

Castle frowned, thinking how odd of a question that was. "Uh, no. Her mother's not really in the picture. She's been on location for the past five months anyway."

There was a brief silence as the woman on the other end of the line took that in. "I see. Does she miss her mom? I know mine miss their dad sometimes."

Rick snorted as he sat on his left hand to try to stop the shaking. "Meredith? Missed? I don't think so. She's asked me to send her away before."

"I bet Meredith misses her, though."

Castle's eyes widened once more as he realized what she was doing, how much she had just gotten him to reveal. How'd she get him to do that? He had been so focused on just staying distracted, and she had taken shameless advantage of that fact... He had been so determined not to give too much away.

"Mr Rodgers? You still there?"

"Yeah," he choked out, running a hand over his face and no longer caring how shaky his hands were. He rested his forehead into the cradle of his hand and closed his eyes for a moment. "I think I'm just realizing how big a deal this actually is. God, I'm dead. Gina's gonna kill me."

"Rick, listen-"

"I can't afford to be involved in a murder case. They're gonna think I did it. I didn't do it, you know. I didn't kill her!"

"Mr Rodgers, if you would just stay calm and listen to me for a few more minutes, then-"

Castle wasn't hearing a word she was saying. "I mean, they'll know it's not me, right? I wouldn't have killed anyone like this. I mean, I wouldn't even ever kill someone! But especially not like this."

"I-I'm sorry?" the 911 operator sputtered. "What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Well, for starters, I'd like to think I would remember it!"

"Richard, focus! Okay? If you don't think you did it-"

"I DIDN'T! I swear I didn't!"

"-Then your best option would be to cooperate with the police as best you can, and to do that you have to stay where you are and stay calm. They are there to help you. If you'd like, there are ways to keep things confidential but understand that it might paint you in a bad light to make such a request."

Castle swallowed hard. This was only going downhill for him. This could end him. "I understand."

"Is there a particular reason why you feel uncomfortable with the public finding out so much? Because you know all arrests are in the public record and anyone can access them."

"Believe me, I know that."

There was another short silence on the other end of the line. "Is there a particular reason why you know that?"

Castle snorted. "Uh, yeah. I mean, no! Not any particular reason. I mean, I've never... ugh. How do you keep getting me to spill all this personal information?"

"It's a Jedi mind trick," she deadpanned.

"Cute. You've got humor and mind prowess in one."

"And you're charming," the sarcasm was obvious in that remark. "Mr Rodgers, is there anything you're holding back on? You know these phone calls are recorded, right?"

Castle gulped as her voice continued to drone on. Not only had he given a lot about himself away, but he had successfully incriminated himself quite a bit as well.

"Mr Rodgers? Mr Rodgers? Are you still there?"

His voice cracked as he spoke through the dry mouth he was currently experiencing. "I-I gotta go. I'm sorry."

"Wait! Mr Rodgers-"

Rick hung up the phone and the call disconnected on her voice. Then he froze, in spite of his tremors. He had no idea what to do, where to go from here. He knew the 911 operator was right, that he should stay here so that the police wouldn't think he did it - or at least give him a fighting chance. They already had his name and information on record- well, his information, anyway. The operator had gotten the wrong name at least. Maybe he could still make a break for it- no, wait. Fingerprints. Damn. Of course they would figure out it was him from those. He was on the record, this wouldn't be the first time he was placed under arrest. Of course, it was the first time an arrest might stick.

He shuddered. Murder one was a tough one to get around. Charming his way out of a murder rap might not be as easy as it was to get off the charges for stealing a police horse. Naked. Man, now that had been a fun night. Rick looked around himself. This night... not as much. God, he was in so much trouble. How could this have happened? Sure, he'd taken some hits last night- well, wait. Rick frowned. Actually, he didn't remember taking any hits last night. He had thought about it getting ready for the party, but hadn't taken any with him or snorted anything then and there. He didn't have anything at the party, except alcohol. And as far as he could remember, he couldn't remember taking anything after, either.

That was unsettling, but he decided to catalogue that thought for later contemplation.

He didn't even think anything had happened last night between him and the dead body- er, girl. They'd tried, but as far as he could recall, even though it was kind of fuzzy, they'd just sort of passed out when they reached her bedroom. And now she was dead. And not just accidental overdose-dead. Murder-dead. Dead-dead. Bloody dead.

So. Rick had an indeterminate amount of time before the police got there, a dead body, and a cell phone. The way he saw it, there were two options. The first involved quickly scouring this woman's apartment and cleaning up after a crime scene he didn't commit, essentially wiping away his existence except for the phone call and basically hanging a bright flashing sign around his neck and shouting "It was me! I did it! I'm a murderer!" He huffed an irritated sigh. Come on. The cops would totally figure the crazy guy who called the murder on himself and then wiped down the apartment and ran was their guy. Not to mention, he'd essentially be helping the killer out by removing any remaining trace of him from the crime scene- eliminating any proof or idea that there was a second killer at all. There would be no one else to blame _but_ him. But running was still an option.

On the other hand, he could stay, cooperate with the law enforcement and pray that they took his willingness to help as a sign of his innocence, not vice versa. Of course, that would mean putting himself directly at risk of a murder charge, putting him in the way of an investigation, exposing himself to mass scrutiny by the media and cops and potentially expose his drug habits. God, it was a rock and a hard place. No, worse. He was between a murder rap and a warrant that made him a fugitive.

Richard Rogers was a dead man walking. And he had a horrible feeling that Richard Castle wasn't far behind.

* * *

**A/N:** Finally some action! Review please, and you'll find out sooner about what happens next!


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